smiley.

ahh.. :)

the good thing about crashing is that you're over and done with the next moment afters. the best thing about crashing though is knowing that you have people who love you be there for you.

hmm.. :)

i am planning a surprise and i hope all goes according to plan.
weeeeeeeeeeee! ooh, and i can't wait for 6PM.

faith

till what degree of happiness do we hit before we start thinking to ourselves that this isn't real, this can't be how it's supposed to be, no one is this happy! is this the moment when we are most exposed and vulnerable? do we become skeptical because we need people to assure us that this is real or do we turn skeptical because deep down, we've never really had the faith to begin with?

fear

people keep wondering why they keep chasing pavements. it's a silly thought. i mean, you don't even know where they lead to. downhill, uphill, never-ending .. ? and in some cases, you already know it's a steep path and you might fall but you keep chasing anyways. but i guess we're only human. it is in our nature to chase after our heart's desire. rationality only kicks in second. and honestly, maybe the odds are with us this time. because i'm guessing we've all been down a path where we thought we knew the destination and end up getting burnt. so why would it be any different if we choose 'the road not taken' instead? at least this time, even if we do trip and fall along the way, we'd know it in our hearts that we tried, we gave it our all, we fulfilled our heart's desire - sometimes it's all about the journey, remember? and hey, we would not lose out on expectations and hopes either because subconsciously, you wouldn't invest more in something you can't see or touch. so with minimal hopes, heart's desire burning, excitement and a huge smile on your face, i say, go chase the yellow brick road :)

muse

i've been trying out sketching faces again lately. i can never get it right. i always think they don't have ANY similarities to the subjects but now i think i see a bit. maybe i'm just tooting my own horn. lol. i blame the extra time in between after work and classes at uni. speaking of work, there are so many sunny's styles that i have to remember but my boss is the sweetest. i'm glad i fit in with the people at work. anyway, here's my favourite sketch so far :)

i appreciate how despite the circumstances,
you still find appreciation in the littlest things :)

the first step

i need to learn.

to learn to see things as they are. see the bad as the bad. see the good as good they already are. to learn to see the things not in the way i desire to see them as... even if that means letting go of all hope and expectations. it would be a great lesson to learn.

because at the current state i am in, i can't afford to be disappointed again. at least not now.

so yes, learn to see the glass as not half-empty, not half-full but a glass with just water in it.

out the door.

just be happy it happened. just be happy you caught yourself in time.

pieces

this is so funny & unbelievable at the same time. i found my kindie mate who used to chase me around the playground, trying to propose to me. i don't know why i still remembered this piece of memory. i think it's really .. somehow exciting, strange and amusing when someone from your childhood memory appears out of nowhere, and after such a freakin' long time. and yeah, i accepted his proposal. HAHA :)

you know that chinese firecracker that people light during chinese new year or a grand opening. yes, the one that kinda looks like chilis hanging on the sides of a thin long rope. that's what the month of march is to me. birthdays everywhere and almost everyday! anyway, the presents above (wrapped personally by moi, teehee) belongs to melissa, yumi & johno. i recall leon mentioning how retro my style is - even in my wrapping style. oh well.

my saturday

my saturday's been productive. and no... i did not hit the waves. sigh. i'll definitely try and squeeze in some beach time before week 6 and after of week 7. not too devastated about it because i haven't found the perfect bikini to go with my planned escapade. plus, i need to round the girls together- dire need to get my girls away from the tight clutches of the men in their lives. i wonder if i sound like a bitter single woman after that last sentence. lol :)

i got two essay outlines done! i'm on a bloody roll, watch out!

sherlene & i hit the 'met' again with mouzam and shane. pretty mellow night, i reckon. disregard the pushing, shoving, ass-grabbing, breathe in your hair and just plain ugh strangers. anyway.. in regards to sherlene's post. yes, the 'game'.

it looks like i've been picking out the same kinda guy too. the 'quiet' one in the group. the one that comes off as snobbish .. but given the benefit of doubt, maybe just way too shy. or has a girlfriend for the matter, lol. always the so-called reserved, quiet and shy one. maybe i like the challenge. maybe i like to tease. maybe i find comfort in knowing that there's someone out there kinda like me. ivan & sherlene were discussing the other day about whether they'd date themselves. i said yes. without hesitation. i'd definately date me. such a narcissistic point of view, yes? hmm, dominant personalities intimidate and interest me at the same time but i know that i'll probably never be one amongst the lot. i prefer to shy away and let them have their moment in the spotlight. however, in a case where a 'shy' one and i were put together, i involuntarily and automatically mould myself to be the dominant of the two. sigh, i love comfort. that being said, i'm not concluding that i will never be attracted to the 'loud', opinionated and ladies man kind- it just takes a lot chemistry than the usual :)

off to bed. mwuah <3

because

sigh.
because i'm vain.
because my best friend is an ass but i heart him to bits, still.
&
because i can't wait to hit the beach on saturday.

which also means,
BIKINI shopping tomorrow :)

i've got a million and one things to do.
few includes:

1. handing out MORE job resumes
2. structure outlines for 4 major essays by early next week
   
3. wrap j's present
4. give yumi her present, lol
5. buy presents for 2 others
   
6. LAUNDRY, freakin' laundry!

& the list goes bloody on.

so.
how's life people?

P/S: are you feelin' this? love.

week 4

my 2nd piece of assessment is due tomorrow. i'm not really stressing it since it's basically only 500 words and worth 10%. having said that however, i'm going to get it done before sleep tonight. before last year, i used to suppress my panic mode. i'd have a 3000 word research essay due the next day and slept like a baby the night before without having written even one word of it. and the next day, i'd get up at 1pm, be at the library by 2.30pm .. finish the entire thing by 7.30pm. due time was at 12 midnight. of course, it wasn't the best essay in the world but i did manage to get a credit- thank God! if you asked me now to pull a stunt like that, i'd scream, "ARE YOU FREAKIN' OUT OF YOUR FREAKIN' MIND?!" lol. starting last year, i managed to do a bit of prioritising and started research and creating outlines for my essays about 5 days before the actual due date and then finish the assignment a day or two earlier. i must say, it's an awesome feeling knowing you don't have to rush double-checking, printing, filling in assignment minder forms, etc. since then, i've been trying my best to keep up this routine :)

now back to work. sigh.

fate

chemistry is probably the one of the rarest things that people could ever have with me the first time they meet me. with me, it'll take extra time (after 4-6 meets) to finally tell if we could eventually click. but last year, i met this person who, only after the first meet, we clicked. it felt so easy to talk and laugh with this person. we're few years apart, we don't quite share the same taste in music and movies, we belong to different cliques, and we have next to zero similar experiences in life. but we click. it's like exploring the world through another person. i think it's quite remarkable how chemistry works. anyway, somehow or rather we had a bit of a fall out towards the end of the year. i figured perhaps, our chemistry died along with the growing distance between us.

but today. today we accidently bumped into each other. i expected awkwardness and repetitive talks on the weather and well-being but no, we again, clicked. it was like time apart never happened. we were comfortable, we laughed, and we shared: conversations of travel, middle-child syndrome, pork, looking for fat louie, the angry cat, keropok lekor, etc. when it was time to go, i knew at the back of my mind, reasons why we were supposed to grow apart. we said our goodbyes, knowing this could probably be the 'last' time till God knows when. sigh, i miss this person. i miss the ease of being myself that this person brought. why do good things never seem to last?

dream

i have a friend who believes in his dreams. dreams that were meant to be messages from God. i didn't really believe him at first. he tells me of his dreams and how it truly reflected what was happening and what would happen. nevertheless, i respected his beliefs. everyone is special one way or another and perhaps, this was God's gift to this friend of mine. he told me that one day, he prayed to God and asked about 'the one' that was meant for him. that night, he dreamt of her. he told me he didn't quite knew who she was but had an inkling feeling that he had seen her before. if truly she was 'the one', my friend was one hell of a lucky son of a gun. i replied that i envied him and he told me to go pray and ask God the same thing.

i couldn't bring myself to. i was too afraid. i wasn't ready.

but i did asked God to help me with something. something that has been lingering on my mind for a long time now.

and so last night, i dreamt.

:(

of tequila&long island.

seriously. i'm torn between deciding whether alcohol comes with moments of clarity.. or vulnerability.. and/or stupidity. most of our experiences come with regret but what if, in some miraculous way, unearths your deepest desire and the path that you were meant to pursue? disregard all the warning signs that scream the forbidden, disregard the logic, disregard the impossible.

anyway, i just got home from clubbing with few friends. yumi mentioned how she's grown out of the whole clubbing scene. truth be told, i still enjoy clubbing because of the music, the dancing and just hanging out. i do sometimes wonder the possibility of meeting someone in the club and the success rate of that even happening. i saw couples everywhere tonight. one night stand couples (maybe), couples in love, match-made couples, accidental couples, and starting out couples, etc. i know, i know, at least i'm not alone. at least i have friends. don't get me wrong, i appreciate every single person that's in my life right now. but i can't help but wish i had someone to dance with, knowing that even by the end of the song, he'll still be holding my hand. someone to come home with, come home to. someone to crawl in bed with, tell me i'm the one even after stripped of all make up and pretty dresses. someone to kiss me goodnight, and wake up to the next day. i guess it's true for me, no man is an island.

EDIT 1.12pm;
ALL THE SINGLE LADIES! ALL THE SINGLE LADIES!!! XD

by the way, here's a controversial song but addictive nonetheless :)

Want It, Need It (Feat Ashanti) - Plies

the remedy

there are people who love to play God. people who feel obligated and concerned about others. genuinely, i suppose. so they proceed to do what they think is best to remedy the situation. and most of the time, things do work out. but people fail to see their own flaws. they forget they're only human and the human is prone to making an error in judgment once in a while. they cannot foresee the complete effect of their 'remedies' although they'd like to think they know it all. this is when help spirals into unnecessary heartache and tears for the people involved. but alas, you cannot blame these people who love to play God. but can you shy your eyes away from the people who've become hurt? perhaps it's time to learn to accept the fact that sometimes ignorance is the answer.

empty streets

i just realised that i'm leaving for kota kinabalu in less than a week. home again, at last. i miss my parents a lot. a lot more than ever before. i can't wait to sleep in my own bed, in my room again. catch up with old friends over a glass of teh tarik madras ping. can't wait to play catch with my dogs... nah, just kidding, they don't know how to play catch- all they know is to sleep and eat. can't wait to be home.

and then i realised that the next time i'm back in brisbane would be the new year 2009. these next few days are the last days of 2008 that i'd be spending in brisbane. my last memories of 2008. it's funny. i've never really bothered much about memories and countdown to a new year before till this year. 2008. funny, funny, funny. sometimes i feel overwhelmed with everything that's happened this year, from start till end. to tell you the truth, i still very much am. this year, more than ever, i've learnt a lot. i've felt a lot. i've wronged, a few. would i go back and do things any different...? i honestly don't know. my biggest ordeal of 2008? circumstances. things, in the way. chan, my guy best friend labels me, "victim of circumstances".

* * *

the above was written last week, by the way.
flying home tomorrow :)

i just realised that every time i fly back to brisbane, this year, i always dread it. there's always something terrifying that awaits me. so you know what, i think.. i think i'm pretty much done with 2008. i am done. it was.. bittersweet.

a deeper meaning

DEREK: "I don't... I just... That day, when you came out of the water ...trying to breathe for you. I love you, and I want you, but I don't know what to... you didn't swim. You didn't swim and you know how to. And I don't know if I can... I don't know if I wanna keep trying to breathe for you."

; grey's anatomy

another satisfaction / change

uni results are out
......

HELL FREAKIN' YEAAAAAAAAAAH!
NO passes this sem because i scored straight credits!
(ok, fine, no distinctions but HELL YEAH!!!)

i shall bask SOBERLY in this moment of happiness, thank you ;)

life's been pretty .. hmm. i wouldn't say perfect but it's not miserable either. on a scale of 1 to 10 (1 being miserable) .. i'd say it's a 6+. can't believe 2008 is coming to an end already and i'm leaving my 21 year old memories behind soon. it just suddenly dawned on me; things can change so abruptly, whether or not you're ready. i can't figure out if i welcome or hate change. i'm just pretty much terrified. this is the one year that i've had the most people walk in and out of my life; friends and ex boyfriends. after the past 3 years of calm waters, it makes one harder to accept changes. but it's okay, i'm learning to embrace; the lessons in life. although i can't deny that there are days when i just bury myself in bed and turn to my ipod to lift up my spirits.

regret

was lazing about in the living room with sherlene today. 'one tree hill' was on tv. this quote got me thinking. i concur. going out tonight, fingers crossed to having fun. here's to living life! ;)

PEYTON:
I know Alzheimer’s is this terrible disease but at least Mel doesn’t have to live with his regrets. You know? And all the mistakes he made and the stuff he wishes he could take back.

MOUTH:
Yeah, that’s true. But I say give me regret as long as I can keep the good memories too. We all have regrets, Peyton. But some of us still have enough time to erase them.